A Strangely Funny Confession from David Bernard

David Bernard is a native New Englander who now lives (albeit under protest) in South Florida, a paradoxical place where, when temperatures drops below 60˚, locals break out parkas to wear over their plaid shorts and sandals. His previous works include short stories in anthologies such as Snowbound with Zombies and Legacy of the Reanimator. He's also been a frequent contributor to our anthologies. This is his third appearance in the Strangely Funny series, and he finally wants to make a full confession....

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I need to confess something here. I write fiction under a different name than the name I use on my nonfiction. I’ve been doing it for so long that I’ve forgotten what the original logic was, but I’m sure it made oodles of sense at the time.

Admittedly, it has its advantages. It makes displaying my books easier, since I can I can separate them by name and give myself two shelves of work, and I can review anthologies that include works by my horror writing brother (not named Scooter) and say bad things about the book without looking like an even bigger ass for saying bad things about a book with my brother in it.

Where it gets complicated is conventions.  Do you sign your real name, or the byline on the story? I mean, if you’re asking me to sign, you know who I am, since my real name is on my pass. And if you ask how they want it signed, they assume I’m going to personalize it when all I really want to know is which name do you want me to use. And when they want one of your nonfiction titles and that anthology – well, you can just rock me to sleep tonight because I’ll still be stressing over that one.

What were we talking about again?

Ah yes. “Scooter’s Closet.” It’s based on a true story. Except for the Tennessee setting, and the Indian curse thing. And most of the plot. The true parts are that my parents and younger brother (not named Scooter) did renovate an 80 year old kitchen and did find an old broom closet covered in plywood behind an old cabinet. To date, not gateways to hell, although I have my suspicions about the neighbor with an unnatural fondness for his snow blower.

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Thank you very much for your confession, good sir.

You can read "Scooter's Closet" and other great stories in Strangely Funny III, now on Amazon.